I Shall Believe
by distorted realities
Summary: “Please say honestly you won't give up on me, and I shall believe”...Addek [WRITER FORMERLY KNOWN AS MRS. RHETT BUTLER!]


**AN:** I was listening to Sheryl Crow's "I Shall Believe" while I was trying to fall asleep, and a little plot bunny popped into my head. It won't leave 'til I write this story. Sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes. It should be pretty correct, but I don't have anyone to proof it right now. If I tried, I wouldn't notice the mistakes anyway.

**Disclaimer:** Nothing belongs to me, obviously. This is a really good song. It's been on "Roswell" at least once or twice. It should have been Max and Liz's wedding song.

**Summary: **Post-"Yesterday" Addek story. Addison's POV.

_  
Come to me now  
And lay your hands over me  
Even if it's a lie  
Say it will be alright  
And I shall believe_

I haven't told Derek that I stayed with Mark after Derek left New York, and I don't know if I ever will. We're not supposed to keep secrets if we're going to work this marriage out, but this is…something entirely different. I asked Derek if we were still okay, and he nodded. What else can I do? The only hope I have in saving this relationship is relying on what Derek is telling me.

_I'm broken in two  
And I know you're on to me  
That I only come home  
When I'm so all alone  
But I do believe_

I stayed with Mark because I thought I had nothing else left. Derek vanished without another word, not even serving me with divorce papers. As much comfort as Mark had given me before Derek left, I was even lonelier with Derek out of my life. I made my choice when I slept with Mark, and I screwed up big time. Mark might have been what I thought I needed at the time, but Derek's what I need forever. I'm not me without him, and that's why I came to Seattle. I needed to try again – see if Derek isn't Derek without me.

_That not everything is gonna be the way  
You think it ought to be  
It seems like every time I try to make it right  
It all comes down on me  
Please say honestly you won't give up on me  
And I shall believe  
And I shall believe_

And I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to fix this and repay my mistakes. But I feel like every step forward is a step back – sometimes two. I'll be the first to admit that there are days I wonder why the hell Derek hasn't served me with the papers. I made the mistake; I slept with his best friend. But this time it has to be his choice to end it. Like I told him, I'll sign if he does. It's not like he'd be alone should he chose to end it with me because I know Meredith is still waiting and hoping that maybe he'll come back to her. Much the same way I was waiting and hoping Derek would come back to me. Neither one of us deserves this, but neither one of us is going to give him up without a fight.

_Open the door  
And show me your face tonight  
I know it's true  
No one heals me like you  
And you hold the key_

I'm sitting outside our bedroom in the trailer after the Mark encounter, and all I want to do is lie down in Derek's arms and pretend nothing has happened. I didn't cheat with Mark; he didn't fall in love with Meredith. We're still the same in love couple we were a year and a half ago – before everything went to hell in a hand basket. Everything just feels right when I'm with him, and I know it could be gone with a few clicks of the pen. And I would never be the same again.

_Never again  
would I turn away from you  
I'm so heavy tonight  
But your love is alright  
And I do believe_

Sometimes I wonder if Derek thinks I'm going to cheat on him again. We've only somewhat discussed the reasons why I began things with Mark. He doesn't have to worry, though. After Mark I realized no one could reach me like Derek. No matter how tired, angry, upset, or even scared I got, Derek got me through it. We took the vows "til death do us part," and I always knew he'd be there for me. I was the one who screwed up because somewhere along the line, Derek stopped being there to get me through it. Mark appeared, and he took over that role. But never was his love enough. Only Derek could really reach me.

I'm broken out of my reverie by Derek's voice. "Addie, come to bed."

_That not everything is gonna be the way  
You think it ought to be  
It seems like every time I try to make it right  
It all comes down on me_

I guess we're ignoring our issues for the time being.

_Please say honestly  
You won't give up on me_

"Derek, we're going to be okay right? You're not giving up are you?" I ask, afraid of what might honestly come out of his mouth.

"We're going to be okay. I'm not giving up," Derek answers, turning away from me.

_And I shall believe_

And I believe him because, really, that's all I have.

_I shall believe_

**AN2: **So what do you think? I know you wouldn't believe it, but I'm not an angst writer normally. It just seems like my best stories are the angst ones.


End file.
